hicki

hhhmmm...till a few hours ago i thought that hicki was shortform for hiccup. Poor me. Ignorant me. sometimes i wonder why humans crave for sympathy so much. Well i dunno about humans, i definetely like sympathy. Self pity. Feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it is a form of escapism. Running away from what u have to face. Not chiding yourself. Not correcting yourself.

Thing is i realised that hicki is not a hiccup when the girl i thought i loved told me that she GOT A HICKI for her birthday last year. Bad news is she did not get it from me.

Long distance relationships dont work. Period. For a relationship to last you need time and space together.(for an indepth analysis of this concept please refer www.sudhishkamath.blogspot.com. The analysis is his original creation). I have just started blogging and i am not very good at inserting links. So please bear with me.

6 years is a a very long period in a persons life. Lots of things can happen. Only thing is nothing happened in my life. I continued to feel something for her. Kept calling her. Tried striking a decent conversation with her. Ohh and btw...she lives 500 miles away from me. That is the reason i put the long distance relationships dont work dialogue in the last para. So...all this kept happening for a period of no less than 4 years. Finally a miracle happens. We get internet connectivity in our hostel rooms. And guess what...i add her to my messenger list(DuH!!)

We chat on and off for a few months. Then i get frustrated. (i am a perverted frustrated soul as it is. I will further elaborate on this in the coming paras). And under the anonymity that internet chatting provides i tell her that i love her. She takes it pretty well i thought. She tells me that i have made it quite clear in the past, through actions, that i have feelings for her. And i am happy. I reason out brilliantly that if she knew all this and is still tolerating me then at some level, sub concious nonetheless, she should also like me. I ask her if she likes me and she diplomatically answers that she dosent have any problems with me.

Now coming to the fact that i am a pervert. Well i am one. No denying the fact. No escaping the truth. I lech at every other female. I do wild things to them in my dreams. I hit on them in public internet forums. I arbitrarily ask them for their IM's. I ogle at them. I am such a big pervert that when a guy tells me that his best friend is "a very sweet gal", i am like "yeah da...that is why i want to taste her". I know...i am disgusting.

Coming back to the story. We continue chatting and then one day i come on pretty hard and ask her point blank if she loves me?. She tells me politely that i have not given other gals enough time or chance. ROFLMAO. Like i am brad pitt and the females are just waiting to jump into the sack with me. I ask her what the fuck does she mean by this and she tells me very clearly to go find some other gal.

OK i thought. i read and re-read sudhish kamath's blogs. Decide that i have to move on in life. U know,actually try and see if there is someother female waiting to brush me off. And so i delete her number and from my phone.

A few days later she buzzes me (on IM) nd starts talking very politely. I take out my anger on her. She is like i was always your friend. That was the moment when i wanted to bang my head into the wall. Now what the FUCK is this friendship funda??? Maybe she can remain unaffected in my presence knowing that i love her, but i cant do it. I can never be friends with her. If she shows some form of affection of care, however friendly it might be i will mistake it for love. And i know i will always be on the lookout to impress her. To win her. To try and show her what she is missing.(not much u might say)....remember that i am a pervert.

Cut to today night. I start a conversation which somehow moves onto kissing. The conversation went something like this.

She: u have never been kissed right? sounds like it.

Me:/*what the fuck. why does she want all this*/ how does it matter? Have u kissed?(btw...i have never kissed anyone.)

She: Yeah 3 times. /*I fall off the chair.*/. Actually i did not kiss them. They kissed me.

Me: Was it 3 different guys then?/*mind is numbed. dunno what i am talking*/

She: yeah.

Me: Who were these guys?/*head spinning in all directions*/. And what the fuck were u doing when they were kissing you? didnt you try to protest.

She: I was frozen. like a spectator in a play. It is very sad that u havent kissed anyone. c'mon u are 21, get it over with. I cant believe u are yet to have your first kiss.

Me: OMG. i cant beleive it. Who were these guys? and when did you have your first kiss?

She: first kiss was in 9th-10th vacation. Some guy in my colony. The second lasted just a few seconds. his name is rahul. he is somewhere in USA now. the third is actually a HICKI. Gaurav gave it to me for my birthday last year.

/*by now i did not know what was happening. i basically did not feel anything. it is just a kiss you might say. and probably after a few days i might also think the same. but at that point of time this was earth shattering news for me.*/

Me: what the fuck is a hicki?

she: it is a love bite. given on the neck. u bite and suck in. kinda hurts. leaves a red mark. turns some vague colour after a day.

Now this was torture. Why the details???? GOD please tell me why all those details. Couldnt she show me some courtesy and spare me the details. i felt like swallowing myself and die. well i felt a lot of things. Lots of them gross. I could not type. i could not do anything. anger mixed with indignation and hatred rose in me. but what could i do. NOTHING. i just stared at the monitor. Then i decided to do something and i called her something bad. she said she was offended and left the conversation. I wasbewildered. i roam on the streets. then i get a message from her on phone saying that she hates me. GREAT.

On a day when i was kicked out of the tennis courts for no fault of mine this was just the right kind of thing to get me back into the weekend party mood. Now at a time when all my friends are happily drunk and are crashing away to glory, here i am doing what i first mentioned in this post. Craving for sympathy. For some pity. Writing a blog so that people might read it and shower sympathy on me. Now am i disgusting or am i disgusting?