hhhmmm...till a few hours ago i thought that hicki was shortform for hiccup. Poor me. Ignorant me. sometimes i wonder why humans crave for sympathy so much. Well i dunno about humans, i definetely like sympathy. Self pity. Feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it is a form of escapism. Running away from what u have to face. Not chiding yourself. Not correcting yourself.
Thing is i realised that hicki is not a hiccup when the girl i thought i loved told me that she GOT A HICKI for her birthday last year. Bad news is she did not get it from me.
Long distance relationships dont work. Period. For a relationship to last you need time and space together.(for an indepth analysis of this concept please refer www.sudhishkamath.blogspot.com. The analysis is his original creation). I have just started blogging and i am not very good at inserting links. So please bear with me.
6 years is a a very long period in a persons life. Lots of things can happen. Only thing is nothing happened in my life. I continued to feel something for her. Kept calling her. Tried striking a decent conversation with her. Ohh and btw...she lives 500 miles away from me. That is the reason i put the long distance relationships dont work dialogue in the last para. So...all this kept happening for a period of no less than 4 years. Finally a miracle happens. We get internet connectivity in our hostel rooms. And guess what...i add her to my messenger list(DuH!!)
We chat on and off for a few months. Then i get frustrated. (i am a perverted frustrated soul as it is. I will further elaborate on this in the coming paras). And under the anonymity that internet chatting provides i tell her that i love her. She takes it pretty well i thought. She tells me that i have made it quite clear in the past, through actions, that i have feelings for her. And i am happy. I reason out brilliantly that if she knew all this and is still tolerating me then at some level, sub concious nonetheless, she should also like me. I ask her if she likes me and she diplomatically answers that she dosent have any problems with me.
Now coming to the fact that i am a pervert. Well i am one. No denying the fact. No escaping the truth. I lech at every other female. I do wild things to them in my dreams. I hit on them in public internet forums. I arbitrarily ask them for their IM's. I ogle at them. I am such a big pervert that when a guy tells me that his best friend is "a very sweet gal", i am like "yeah da...that is why i want to taste her". I know...i am disgusting.
Coming back to the story. We continue chatting and then one day i come on pretty hard and ask her point blank if she loves me?. She tells me politely that i have not given other gals enough time or chance. ROFLMAO. Like i am brad pitt and the females are just waiting to jump into the sack with me. I ask her what the fuck does she mean by this and she tells me very clearly to go find some other gal.
OK i thought. i read and re-read sudhish kamath's blogs. Decide that i have to move on in life. U know,actually try and see if there is someother female waiting to brush me off. And so i delete her number and from my phone.
A few days later she buzzes me (on IM) nd starts talking very politely. I take out my anger on her. She is like i was always your friend. That was the moment when i wanted to bang my head into the wall. Now what the FUCK is this friendship funda??? Maybe she can remain unaffected in my presence knowing that i love her, but i cant do it. I can never be friends with her. If she shows some form of affection of care, however friendly it might be i will mistake it for love. And i know i will always be on the lookout to impress her. To win her. To try and show her what she is missing.(not much u might say)....remember that i am a pervert.
Cut to today night. I start a conversation which somehow moves onto kissing. The conversation went something like this.
She: u have never been kissed right? sounds like it.
Me:/*what the fuck. why does she want all this*/ how does it matter? Have u kissed?(btw...i have never kissed anyone.)
She: Yeah 3 times. /*I fall off the chair.*/. Actually i did not kiss them. They kissed me.
Me: Was it 3 different guys then?/*mind is numbed. dunno what i am talking*/
She: yeah.
Me: Who were these guys?/*head spinning in all directions*/. And what the fuck were u doing when they were kissing you? didnt you try to protest.
She: I was frozen. like a spectator in a play. It is very sad that u havent kissed anyone. c'mon u are 21, get it over with. I cant believe u are yet to have your first kiss.
Me: OMG. i cant beleive it. Who were these guys? and when did you have your first kiss?
She: first kiss was in 9th-10th vacation. Some guy in my colony. The second lasted just a few seconds. his name is rahul. he is somewhere in USA now. the third is actually a HICKI. Gaurav gave it to me for my birthday last year.
/*by now i did not know what was happening. i basically did not feel anything. it is just a kiss you might say. and probably after a few days i might also think the same. but at that point of time this was earth shattering news for me.*/
Me: what the fuck is a hicki?
she: it is a love bite. given on the neck. u bite and suck in. kinda hurts. leaves a red mark. turns some vague colour after a day.
Now this was torture. Why the details???? GOD please tell me why all those details. Couldnt she show me some courtesy and spare me the details. i felt like swallowing myself and die. well i felt a lot of things. Lots of them gross. I could not type. i could not do anything. anger mixed with indignation and hatred rose in me. but what could i do. NOTHING. i just stared at the monitor. Then i decided to do something and i called her something bad. she said she was offended and left the conversation. I wasbewildered. i roam on the streets. then i get a message from her on phone saying that she hates me. GREAT.
On a day when i was kicked out of the tennis courts for no fault of mine this was just the right kind of thing to get me back into the weekend party mood. Now at a time when all my friends are happily drunk and are crashing away to glory, here i am doing what i first mentioned in this post. Craving for sympathy. For some pity. Writing a blog so that people might read it and shower sympathy on me. Now am i disgusting or am i disgusting?
Friday, February 25, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Its Over
Well ...Quiz time is over!!!
After a week of drudgery, i am now free again to explore the world of cinema and chennai night life without having to wake up before 8am the next morning. Classes are still on, but i can afford to bunk classes, cant bunk quizzes u see. The week where i had no sense of time, when the nights melted into dawns is finally over. Consuming endless amounts of caffeine and nicotine to keep the system running. Stomach upsets due to lack of sleep. And the vague taste in the mouth resulting from a mixture of stale tobacco and lack of sleep. aaahhhhh. horrible.
End of quiz time is an amazing time in my life. It brings with it some unexplainable freshness. The Chennai breeze feels cool and you are confident that you can go to the beach and come back without attempting suicide. When you can smoke for pleasure and not to prevent sleep. When Satyam beckons and Veroonas feels like walking distance away you must know that quizzes are over.
After a week of drudgery, i am now free again to explore the world of cinema and chennai night life without having to wake up before 8am the next morning. Classes are still on, but i can afford to bunk classes, cant bunk quizzes u see. The week where i had no sense of time, when the nights melted into dawns is finally over. Consuming endless amounts of caffeine and nicotine to keep the system running. Stomach upsets due to lack of sleep. And the vague taste in the mouth resulting from a mixture of stale tobacco and lack of sleep. aaahhhhh. horrible.
End of quiz time is an amazing time in my life. It brings with it some unexplainable freshness. The Chennai breeze feels cool and you are confident that you can go to the beach and come back without attempting suicide. When you can smoke for pleasure and not to prevent sleep. When Satyam beckons and Veroonas feels like walking distance away you must know that quizzes are over.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Quiz Time
Exam(we call them quizzes...probably coz they puzzle most of us most of the time) time in my college is typical. It will be an excellent case study for people studying psychology.
here is what i do during quiz time
i dont take bath for the whole quiz week and i dont shave either. that is becos it gives me a rugged worn out look. that way i atleast hope to fool some junta into beleiving that i have been studying(we call it MUGGING...apt dont u think) day in and night out. Offlate even this ploy is not working. :(
i sleep around noon and wake up when i cant sleep anymore. that would be because of all the mosquitoes that come from nowhere in the evenings and disturb me. Damn them!!!
Then i relegiously go to the coffee stall outside my hostel and have some coffee and a cigarette.
then comes the painful process of xeroxing notes. haha...u guessed right...i write no notes. For this i have to serach for some relaible guys notes. one who dosent bunk any classes and is very good at writing down whatever goes on in class. A lot of people turn up at the shop during this time. a typical conversation goes something like this.
me: started?
him: no da. just came to xerox notes.
me: where are u mugging from?
him: i have darisi's notes. i also have the text book. what abt u?.have u started?/*gives a sly smile*/
me: /*laughing*/ what do u think. ob i have not started. i dont even have the notes. macha get me a copy also da. i will pay u later.
The guy gives a dark look and moves on.
there are 4 xerox shops and they make a killing during quiz time. in fact they work more than us to get all the xeroxs done on time.
finally at around 7 i stroll into the mess, eat wahtever shit is served and go to collect my copy of the copy of the copy of the copy of the notes. yes that is how many times it has been recycled.
finally start to mug. take a half an hour break every fifteen minutes. hope that some enlightened soul comes to put fundaes to you. (that rarely happens u know). mug thru the night continuing the break routine.
sleep at 6 in the morning and wake up at 7.(now u know why i sleep in the noon ). go to the quiz 10 mins late. (it is a 50 min quiz btw...). and come out of the hall 5 mins before the quiz ends ( i would have come earlier but they dont allow people to go till it is 5 mins before the end...they firmly believe that if forced to stay in the exam hall, students have the tendency to rapidly remember what they have never studided and put it down on paper with blinding accuracy.)
then the routine continues for the next quiz. :)
and i call myself under achiever.
hehehe
that must be the worst case of self pity humanity must have ever come across.
here is what i do during quiz time
i dont take bath for the whole quiz week and i dont shave either. that is becos it gives me a rugged worn out look. that way i atleast hope to fool some junta into beleiving that i have been studying(we call it MUGGING...apt dont u think) day in and night out. Offlate even this ploy is not working. :(
i sleep around noon and wake up when i cant sleep anymore. that would be because of all the mosquitoes that come from nowhere in the evenings and disturb me. Damn them!!!
Then i relegiously go to the coffee stall outside my hostel and have some coffee and a cigarette.
then comes the painful process of xeroxing notes. haha...u guessed right...i write no notes. For this i have to serach for some relaible guys notes. one who dosent bunk any classes and is very good at writing down whatever goes on in class. A lot of people turn up at the shop during this time. a typical conversation goes something like this.
me: started?
him: no da. just came to xerox notes.
me: where are u mugging from?
him: i have darisi's notes. i also have the text book. what abt u?.have u started?/*gives a sly smile*/
me: /*laughing*/ what do u think. ob i have not started. i dont even have the notes. macha get me a copy also da. i will pay u later.
The guy gives a dark look and moves on.
there are 4 xerox shops and they make a killing during quiz time. in fact they work more than us to get all the xeroxs done on time.
finally at around 7 i stroll into the mess, eat wahtever shit is served and go to collect my copy of the copy of the copy of the copy of the notes. yes that is how many times it has been recycled.
finally start to mug. take a half an hour break every fifteen minutes. hope that some enlightened soul comes to put fundaes to you. (that rarely happens u know). mug thru the night continuing the break routine.
sleep at 6 in the morning and wake up at 7.(now u know why i sleep in the noon ). go to the quiz 10 mins late. (it is a 50 min quiz btw...). and come out of the hall 5 mins before the quiz ends ( i would have come earlier but they dont allow people to go till it is 5 mins before the end...they firmly believe that if forced to stay in the exam hall, students have the tendency to rapidly remember what they have never studided and put it down on paper with blinding accuracy.)
then the routine continues for the next quiz. :)
and i call myself under achiever.
hehehe
that must be the worst case of self pity humanity must have ever come across.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Too much dreaming is not good for health
Hi Legolas
Long time no see. Whats up man? Whats the use of having some space on the world wide web when you dont use it...
i mean u put up a blog once in like 3 months. Dont u think you are abusing blogger's good will?
And what the fuck is that name...i mean what sort of a moron comes up with a name like that. LEGOLAS...hehehe...
And what is wrong with you these days. /*shakes head sideways sighing*/ Look at you. if someone saw you 3 years ago and then saw you now again i am sure they will have difficulty reconising you. Look at your hair. look at that stupid chain around your neck. And the less said about your attitude the better. You were the typical mama's good boy. Now pch..pch./*gives a very pained look*/
No studies. no spark in your life. u never do anything. just sit in your room. smoking. one day your life will end as the cigarette ends. burnt out./*stresses this point with explicit facial expressions*/. i mean what distractions can a 20 year old have. and it is not even like you are going out with some gal. everyone runs away from you. what have you done to yourself?.
some years down the line, if your son asks you"dad what have you done in life?"..(that is if u do get married...which i doubt very much) what will you say. WHAT WILL TOU SAY?/*shouts this aloud*/ son i have learnt to put smoke rings...or son i can get drunk and still not make a fool of myself...IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY? /*again shouts*/
3 years raa...3 years...what have u done ...what have u done which you can proudly say is an achievement. by chance or by hard work (chance mostly) you have landed yourself in an esteemed institution. now the institute is ashamed of you. if given a chance i am sure they will not give you your FUCKING degree./*verbally stresses the profanity*/. Where is your mark in the institutes history(and i am not talking about your name which you have written on your room wall,with THE WALL written below it). Where are your footprints. Where is your ass print on the couch of history??!!!(what an analogy...pat pat). /*pained expression again*/.
what happened to your dreams. your ambitions and you aspirations. your motivation.(yeah!!..i am attending TIME classes). where is the brilliant engineer that was supposed to come out of here?. What happened to him? did he die? in his sorrows...created by none other than HIMSELF.
Wake up. it is never too late. start life afresh. c'mon . wake up. ....********
*****WAKE UP U BASTARD..U HAVE A SLOT TODAY...YOUR ATTENDENCE IS LOW...U HAVE TO GO...WAKE UP.*******
i wake up. look bleary eyed at aditya my room neighbour. realise i have been dreaming again and tell him. " Macha, pack da. i told varun to puts proxy for me" . and then i go back to sleep.
Long time no see. Whats up man? Whats the use of having some space on the world wide web when you dont use it...
i mean u put up a blog once in like 3 months. Dont u think you are abusing blogger's good will?
And what the fuck is that name...i mean what sort of a moron comes up with a name like that. LEGOLAS...hehehe...
And what is wrong with you these days. /*shakes head sideways sighing*/ Look at you. if someone saw you 3 years ago and then saw you now again i am sure they will have difficulty reconising you. Look at your hair. look at that stupid chain around your neck. And the less said about your attitude the better. You were the typical mama's good boy. Now pch..pch./*gives a very pained look*/
No studies. no spark in your life. u never do anything. just sit in your room. smoking. one day your life will end as the cigarette ends. burnt out./*stresses this point with explicit facial expressions*/. i mean what distractions can a 20 year old have. and it is not even like you are going out with some gal. everyone runs away from you. what have you done to yourself?.
some years down the line, if your son asks you"dad what have you done in life?"..(that is if u do get married...which i doubt very much) what will you say. WHAT WILL TOU SAY?/*shouts this aloud*/ son i have learnt to put smoke rings...or son i can get drunk and still not make a fool of myself...IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY? /*again shouts*/
3 years raa...3 years...what have u done ...what have u done which you can proudly say is an achievement. by chance or by hard work (chance mostly) you have landed yourself in an esteemed institution. now the institute is ashamed of you. if given a chance i am sure they will not give you your FUCKING degree./*verbally stresses the profanity*/. Where is your mark in the institutes history(and i am not talking about your name which you have written on your room wall,with THE WALL written below it). Where are your footprints. Where is your ass print on the couch of history??!!!(what an analogy...pat pat). /*pained expression again*/.
what happened to your dreams. your ambitions and you aspirations. your motivation.(yeah!!..i am attending TIME classes). where is the brilliant engineer that was supposed to come out of here?. What happened to him? did he die? in his sorrows...created by none other than HIMSELF.
Wake up. it is never too late. start life afresh. c'mon . wake up. ....********
*****WAKE UP U BASTARD..U HAVE A SLOT TODAY...YOUR ATTENDENCE IS LOW...U HAVE TO GO...WAKE UP.*******
i wake up. look bleary eyed at aditya my room neighbour. realise i have been dreaming again and tell him. " Macha, pack da. i told varun to puts proxy for me" . and then i go back to sleep.
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